Forever

I wonder about Forever
All the examples it brings.
I loved the prospect of forever.
Now it seems impossible/

Forever means waiting
forever means pain for the moment.
Forever means that everything I go through
Is only a blip in my existance.

Forever is with HIM
Forever will mean companionship
But what if I don't choose him?
What if I loose my way?

I miss him
more than my words could ever express
At least I have forever

But forever isn't for several more years,
That means years alone
Or years with someone else.
Years not with the man I want

I used to be excited about forever
But for now my forever seems so far away.

Still Surviving

Today I'm at school. It's so good to see my students again. But so many are missing. It's sad but at the same time classes are only 25 min long and I love  that I will not be here all day. I'm excited to sub for math and it will be good to get that time. I love Todd though. I feel like I always want to be talking about him. I miss him. So much. It feels like onset of a panic attack ALL the time. It's strange but each day is getting better and I do love being alive. I still feel like Todd will be walking in at any moment to tell me it's all a big joke. That none of this is real. But I know it is real. I really do miss him and I know that everything would be resolved. But Now I don't know what to do.

I love you Todd
I always will. <3 forever and always

Shae

Moving Forward?

I know that there is so much I need to do right now. I need to get my life in order and keep moving forward. I miss Todd so much though that it is literally dibilitating. I have a hard time moving forward and keep going. I miss the life I could have had and everything I was promised in it. He wasn't supposed to go. It's not supposed to be like this. I feel like I'm focusing way too much on me. That I complain too much. But at the same time I cannot concentrate. I can't focus on what I want to. Everything in my life feels like it's just a giant lie. That he'll just come home and fix things. But I know that will never happen. How am I supposed to move forward when everything in my life is backwards. If I had to choose between living the rest of my life or reliving these last 4 years over and over again. I choose the last 4 years. What promises can I have forward if all the promises I cared about had to do with him?

Shae

Fresh Start?

I'm graduating college in about a week and start student teaching in Aug. I'm terrified! I can't believe that now I get to start a real job, one that I have chosen as my profession. I have learned a lot while being here at college, the ones that stick out to me is that 1) I know absolutely nothing, and 2) I want to learn everything I can. As I learn more however I continually feel that I know less and less. There is so much out there to learn and even more than I could ever hope to learn in one lifetime.

I know that as I start my new career I will be excited, discouraged, and everything in between because that is what comes from teaching. I hope that this will be a rewarding path that I have chosen and that I can help the next generation of Americans become great citizens of this wonderful country.